After several phone calls, emails, post-it notes left on his window, cryptic messages spelled out in Gak on the lawn of the Governor’s mansion and only a few veiled threats, I was finally granted an interview with Rick Perry and his elected official colleagues. This gang of rag tag legislative lone rangers has been quite busy over the last several weeks working valiantly to pass one of the most restrictive anti-abortion and pro-gay bills the Capitol has ever seen. Senate Bill 1, slated to be discussed and possibly voted on tomorrow, has sent shock waves through the streets of Austin and been the impetus to many a hard on for those with a financial interest in the matter.
I sat down with Rick and friends at the Driskill Hotel this afternoon to talk about life since the filibuster.
SUSAN: “Thank you Governor Perry, Representative Laubenberg and Senator Hegar for agreeing to sit down and— is Representative Laubenberg asleep right now?
PERRY: “Yeah, sorry. She’s been doing that all week. Lauby! Wake up!”
LAUBENBERG: “[unintelligible]…rape kits…[unitelligibe]…hello? Where are we, Pear Bear?”
SUSAN: “Good morning, Representative. You granted me an interview if I agreed to stop taping used tampons to your car. Do you remember?”
LAUBENBERG: “Oh that was you? I thought it was my daughter-in-law. I mean, you piss on someone’s carpet in front of the pastor just one time and all of a sudden you’re the bad guy.”
SUSAN: “I’m sorry to hear that. Well at any rate, thank you for agreeing to speak with me about this matter.”
LAUBENBERG: “What matter?”
PERRY: “She’s talking about House Bill 2…”
HEGAR: “What about me?! You guys never talk to me anymore!”
SUSAN: “I was going to get to you Senator Hegar.”
HEGAR: “Fine. It’s just because I look like a tool, isn’t it?”
SUSAN: “No sir. It was just—“
PERRY: God damn it! Both of you quit this bickering. It’s the same damn bill and both of you are gonna get paid, so quit raisin’ all this fuss. She wants to talk to me anyway and we all know that.”
SUSAN: “Let’s begin with you Governor Perry. Some Texans accuse you of high jacking the democratic process and forcing unwanted, unnecessary and unconstitutional legislation on the people of this state, and now it seems for the sake of making your sister some money.”
PERRY: “That’s an excellent accusation, Susan, and I’m so grateful you put it out there. To those socialist Democrats on the Senate floor who outright disrespected my wishes all I have to say is, “haters to the left.” Since when has unwanted legislation been an issue? When we’re elected, we like to think the people of this state are trusting us to do what we want with the law. And that is exactly what we do. Hell, it’s what we’ve always done. So it’s better to ask yourself “unwanted to whom?” Unnecessary legislation? C’mon, you think we really, really needed the Trans Texas Corridor? Does Texas need one more highway? Let me tell you something, Texas needs another highway like Laubenberg needs another Percocet…”
LAUBENBERG: “Did someone call me?”
SUSAN: “The Governor was just describing unnecessary legislation and then I think accused you of having a pill problem.”
LAUBENBERG: “I am a God fearing woman, a woman of strong conviction in the freedoms and liberties I am so blessed to possess. And if that means I want to pop a few Mollies in my office and build an impenetrable fort with filing cabinets, I am free to do that. That’s what makes America so great!”
SUSAN: “You’ve raised an interesting point, Representative.”
HEGAR: “What about me?”
SUSAN: “I promise Hegar, sweetie, just give me a minute…. Now, how have the Republican officials in the house and senate reconciled the fundamental conservative ideal of little to no government intrusion on personal rights, namely the 2nd amendment, with the currently held position that in the case of a woman’s reproductive rights the government should and will have a significant say so?”
LAUBENBERG: “Well….Pear Bear, you take this one.”
PERRY: “Stop stroking my thigh, Laubenberg.”
HEGAR: “I’ve got an answer!”
SUSAN: “Sure, Heggy. Go ahead.”
HEGAR: “We’re doing it because Daddy Rick told us to.”
SUSAN: “Are you telling a fib right now, Heggy?”
PERRY: “He’s not. He may be the youngest member of the Senate with two day old ball hair, but he’s got some act right on him fur shur. Look, Susan, there’s a way we do business in Austin. A lot of people have started getting upset about the way things are done down here, but we’re not afraid of that anymore. All week long I’ve seen nothing but a big ol’ ocean of orange surrounding MY safe place. On any other occasion I’d be fine with it – hook ‘em. But here lately, it’s been a real sphincter squeezer, you know what I mean? So all of us over here in the right party, the Republican party, have decided to take y’alls example in fearlessness. We’re not gonna be scared of whistle blowers or naked interns in our office anymore! We’re going to be bold! Live like someone left the gate open!”
SUSAN: “That’s rather brave of you to say, Governor Perry. I can’t help but ask, have you been drinking this morning?”
PERRY: “Hey lady, if I’m going down with the ship I’m taking my sauce with me.”
HEGAR: “I have to go potty. Will you take me Daddy Rick?”
PERRY: “Jesus, Hegar. C’mon, let’s go.”
SUSAN: “This is awkward.”
LAUBENBERG: “You should have seen him opening day of the special session. Got so excited he pissed all over Dewhurst. Pear Bear’s been working with him on it. He’s gettin’ better.”
SUSAN: “While the boys are away, can I ask you something Laubenberg? Something you can keep just between the two of us?”
LAUBENBERG: “Go ahead, girlfriend.”
SUSAN: “How do you sleep at night knowing you drafted a bill, along with several other female representatives, that will obviously put the lives of thousands of Texas women at serious risk?”
LAUBENBERG: “Oh honey, bless your heart. Honestly I don’t know now nor have I ever known just what the hell I’m doing. And to answer your question, I do it with a really expensive mattress paid for with lobbyist money and lots of red wine.”
SUSAN: “Thanks for your candor, Representative. I’m really worried about all of you.”
LAUBENBERG: “I think that’s because you should be… Now you’ll have to excuse me. I’ve got a fort to build before that mass of Satanists gets here.”
TO BE CONTINUED….
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