There are a hundred things to be afraid of in this country, but three take the lead. In reverse order of importance they are: economic collapse, robots, and gays. As American citizens, we have built a history on being proactive, being prepared, and being patriots. We may not be able to fend off an economic collapse, we may be too asleep to throw off all the insidious means by which this “president” is attempting to demolish democracy, but make no mistake, you can spot a gay from a mile away. The mass hysteria over their recruitment tactics holds some weight, and is worth the time it takes to read this in order to remain safely heterosexual. The lives of our children hang in the balance.
Homosexuals will try to convert God-fearing heterosexuals in a myriad of ways. The first, and one of the most seductive tactics, is simple kindness. If you must share a workplace with gays, avoid friendly greetings and casual water cooler talk. All it takes is one “hello” to engage in a conversation. Next thing you know, they’re telling you about their cats, their custom built home, and the plight they experience, which is often over dramatized because that thing about drama queens is totally right. Do not be led astray. Their struggle is a result of foolish, lust-driven choices. Probably ones they made in college. Probably as a direct result of choosing to become an art major. Misplaced sympathy could spell disaster for you – disaster in the form of a partner named Frank or Midge.
Perhaps you have a gay family member. In this case, you will probably be invited to a fake wedding of some kind. This is one of the touchiest situations a heterosexual can find themselves in. These fake weddings are almost always completely fabulous and catered extremely well. They are full of drunken merriment and what appears to be sincere affection. Be careful. The wine, though aged and sweet, and the love shared, though authentic and glowing, is a trick to get you to believe that you too can have the best time of your life, if only you turn gay and permanently commit to Frank or Midge.
If you’ve already befriended a gay, obviously for the purpose of healthy reparative therapy, be sure to keep a good emotional and physical distance. Gayness can be passed on through a number of ways including knitting, salsa dancing, and talking. Your friend might disclose painful stories to you about rejection, alienation, and even violence as a result of being gay. These are textbook conversion maneuvers taken directly from the book little known to straight people titled, “Who’s On First, Who’s On Top: Creating a Super Gay Utopia in America.” Avoid your gut instinct to empathize. Fight off the feeling that you must do something to help, the one that surely rings out in your heart when no one is around.
They will lure you in a number of ways. Men will saunter across dance floors with impossible grace and precision. They will bring all kinds of delicious, tiny pastries to parties. Women will help your recreation league softball team go undefeated for eighteen straight games. They will fix your motorcycle with lesbian witchcraft. One false move and the entire straight workforce of this country could turn queer. Imagine lawyers, housewives, airline pilots for God’s sake, suddenly switching teams. Can you even fathom the danger of a mid-air gay conversion 30,000 feet above our amber waves of grain? God help us.
If we lapse on our responsibilities to protect heterosexuality and discourage gayness, we may open the door for a demographic with billions of dollars worth of spending power to be able to flood money into our economy, thus further promoting their “Fire Island way of life.” God, FIRE ISLAND. We may find ourselves on an equal civil rights footing with some of the most intimidating and well-dressed men in our society. Ladies will leave happy families to run off with Midge to start ranching in Wyoming. If you fear an economic collapse or the death of democracy, look no further than the ever-increasing army of gay people in this country. In this case, America’s founding principle that all men (and women?) are created equal, and that we’re all entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness must be ignored completely, lest Wyoming become overrun with lesbians and the entirety of Brooklyn be flooded with beautiful gay men. Let’s face it – Brooklyn and Wyoming can’t contain them all.